What Does This Mean?

As I watched the NFL playoffs this weekend, I was struck by the pose of Philadelphia kicker David Akers (left) after he kicked a field goal. As you can see, he is pointing to the sky. What's it mean? Presumably, he is giving thanks to God for bestowing upon him the physical gifts necessary to kick the field goal. Or maybe he is just taking the brief moment in front of the cameras to share with the world his belief in God.

Whatever the case it caught my attention. Don't ask me why. I've seen hundreds of other athletes do the same thing hundreds of other times. However, what I really found interesting was that later in the game when he missed a field goal, he gave no such gesture toward the sky. It didn't make sense. After all, didn't he still have the same God-given physical gifts as earlier in the game when he made a field goal? Why not take the opportunity again to thank God for those gifts? Or, if his earlier gesture was just about sharing his belief in God, did his miss make him question his faith?

Like I said, I see this all the time... that is, athletes gesturing toward the sky when they perform well. However, I have never seen one do the same when they drop a pass, throw an interception, miss a shot, stike out, or misplay a ground ball. It makes for a good object lesson. It is easy to praise God and remain strong in one's faith when everything is going well and to our liking. What separates the real believers from the band wagoners, though, is how they respond to the bad times. It's not so easy to give thanks and praise in the face of failure, trying times, and despair. Lest we forget, God is there then, too. And while it may be difficult to understand why these things are happening in our lives, it is precisely then that our faith must be its strongest. For even in these times, His "will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven." We may not like it and we may not understand it, but it is His will for us and we must have faith that ultimately it shall serve our best interests.

I know I'll never see one of those athletes point to the sky when they make a mistake. But just for kicks, maybe the next time things aren't going my way, I'll point to the sky to help remind me that even though I'm struggling, God's still on my team.

And We Do This Why?

Before I begin let me first issue a blanket apology to any of you former high school royalty out there. This post is not intended in any way to be a personal attack on those who at some time in their lives have been selected a king or queen during their academic careers. It's not about the people, it's about the tradition.

That being said, can someone please answer me why we in the U.S. persist in this strange custom of selecting homecoming queens and kings as part of the high school educational experience? As a reporter and editor who has covered high school sports in one capacity or another for the past 17 years, I have endured more queen and her court processions than any one person should ever have to. You want to talk about torture? Forget the water boarding and all that CIA secret military crap. You want to make a terrorist talk? Make 'em sit through about a half dozen homecoming processions. They'll be screaming secrets at the top of their lungs.

Seriously, though. What in the hell is the purpose of this activity? And how does it serve to enrich and fulfill the educational experience of the student body as a whole? Is it not bad enough that high school is already riddled with cliques and in crowds and constant pressure to fit in and be popular that on top of that we have to have administration-sponsored popularity contests? Complete with crowns, robes and roses? And the end result? One or two kids feel great and the rest feel inadequate. Great idea!

Considering the climate that has come to prevail in much of youth sports... you know, where all the kids get a trophy and nobody is a loser... it seems truly amazing that we've let this institution continue virtually unchanged. Where is the outcry about this and how it shatters the self-esteem of all those kids who don't get named to the court? Where are the parent groups clamoring for a crown for all the girls so everybody feels like a princess? I don't hear them. No, in fact often it seems just the opposite. The parents embrace this pageantry. You should see them drooling all over themselves to get pictures, giggle and laugh with the contestants, and fawn all over the winner.

Worse yet, I've seen many schools that have expanded the practice. Maybe it's just here in the Midwest, but now many schools have instituted a Winter Carnival Queen, Winter Ball Queen, or Blizzard Bitch, or Snow Slut or whatever they call it. Basically it's the same thing, just during basketball season. What's up with that?

Come on people! This has NOTHING to do with school! N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!! Am I the only one that thinks that maybe this is not the message we want to be sending our kids? Sure, I understand it is important to get along well with others -- it's often vital not only for surviving, but thriving in the workplace. Yet, life is not a popularity contest. Surely we have better things to spend our resources and energies on, things that will actually help prepare our kids for the real world out there.

So back to my original question: Can someone please answer me why we persist in this strange custom?

We Can Help

I pondered writing something happy and fun for my 2009 blogging debut, but upon further consideration I decided to revert to something more representative of my true nature... I'm going to gripe instead.

Turn signals. A simple concept really, but one with incredible impact. Think about it. Turn signals -- no matter their color or shape -- are like a crystal ball. They allow drivers in front of and those behind a turning vehicle to see into the future. By gazing into the blinking light in front of you, you can predict with 98% accuracy (I'm estimating, of course) if the car attached to that signal light is going to turn left or right. It's an amazing concept really.

However, like most technological advances of this century and the last, it's effectiveness is dependent upon proper use by a human operator. And, of course, therein lies the problem and the source of my gripe. For as we are all now well aware, this planet we inhabit has become increasingly infiltrated by idiots.

I'll not address the person who doesn't use the turn signal at all or the person who signals for 27 miles on the interstate. Obviously, their fates have already been determined -- the former earning a one-way ticket to hell for their total lack of concern for their fellow man and the latter destined for an eternity of chauffeured limousine service on the highways of heaven (this is confirmed by a recently discovered ancient Biblical translation that adds to Matt. 5:3 ... "and blessed are the clueless, who will be granted a guide in Heaven to keep them from pissing everybody else off").

No, I'd like to talk about the person who is trying to do the right thing, but just hasn't mastered the technique yet. This would be the person who flips on the turn signal approximately five feet before turning. The drivers behind know something is going on because the offending vehicle is slowing. Yet, no matter how much they peer into the crystal ball that is the turn signal, they're unable to predict the future... it's cloudy, the spirits are failing to speak to them. Is there something in the road? Is the car experiencing mechanical problems? Has the driver suffered some sort physical calamity? Then all of a sudden, WHAM! The signal blinks once just inches before the turn. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!

There is hope for these people. They have embraced the concept of communicating with other motorists, but for some reason lack the intricate combination of precise hand-eye coordination required to effectively complete the task. It seems it most certainly must be a neurological disorder -- the eyes fail to communicate with the brain or the brain fails to communicate with the wrist. The synapses in the brain that relay information surely are faulty in some way.

Unfortunately, research indicates that if this condition is left untreated it most always deteriorates into the condition noted above -- the neurological damage becomes so severe the afflicted person ceases to use his or her turn signal at all. And of course, as stated above, the unfortunate soul will earn a one-way ticket to hell.

Miraculously, however, a breakthrough study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that the condition can be reversed. According to the study, the introduction of Horn-based Obnoxious Noise Kinesis (HONK) therapy can generate new nerve growth and restore damaged synapse receptors to a healthy state.

The method by which HONK therapy is administered is surprisingly simple, so much so that it can be applied by any caring and concerned motorist. However, the timing is critical. Just as an afflicted person flips on their signal five feet before the turn, concerned motorists should remove one hand from the steering wheel and apply firm pressure to the horn. The study revealed that three successive and sustained blasts from the horn provide the most benefit.

According to the results of the study, 95% of those receiving HONK therapy showed significant neurological improvement after just three doses. A small percentage of those tested showed no improvement and experienced side effects such as road rage, neurological deterioration resulting in failure to control the middle finger of either or both hands, loss of bladder control, and an erection lasting more than four hours (at which time a physician should be immediately consulted, of course... perhaps a psychiatrist as well).

Based on these results, it seems incumbent on all of us as responsible motorists to do our part to improve the safety on our roads and streets... and to take an interest in the well-being of our fellow man, especially when it requires such a small personal commitment. With this in mind, I urge all of you to take every opportunity to assist fellow motorists by applying HONK therapy when appropriate. Be diligent and vigilant (say THAT three times fast) and together we can build an America of which we can all be proud.

Blown Away

Perhaps you've seen these new high-powered hand dryers they have in some bathrooms now. When I first put my hand beneath one, I was a little shocked to see my skin virtually parted by the force, creating wrinkles on either side of the area where the air contacted my hand. The blast of air was incredibly forceful.

How forceful you ask? Well, the specs at the company's website indicate the air at point of contact (4 inches below air outlet) is traveling at 14,000 linear feet per minute. That equates to 160 MPH! And how fast is that? The National Hurricane Center's classfication of hurricanes includes five categories -- the highest, Category 5, is for hurricanes that reach wind speeds of 155 MPH or more. These are very rare (Katrina, for example) and usually those wind speeds are reached for only a very short time and then winds subside to a lower level.

I guess I was wondering do we really need Catergoy 5 wind speeds to dry our hands in the bathroom? The company website boasts that hands are completely dry in 10 to 15 seconds. Have we become so busy in our everyday lives that it's necessary for us to build hurricane-producing air jets to dry our hands a few seconds quicker than your standard hand dryer? Surely life can't be that busy can it?

I can't help but think as I watch my five-year old that there has to be a better, more serene way. Her way works well... worked well when I was a kid, too. More often than not, her wet hands go to the side or the front of her pants. She's usually done in 7-9 seconds, often less. True, her hands may not be completely dry, but she'll sometimes give me a hug and finish the job on the back of my shirt. And hey, the whole process is enviromentally friendly, too!

When in doubt, READ the instructions!

My Dad was a stickler for reading the directions... first. It's a very unusual practice, I know, but one I've tried to emulate in my adult life (we won't talk about my M-O as a kid). I've found that usually I save time if I just read the directions first... it keeps me from having to redo, rebuild, repair things that I might otherwise have messed up the first time.

While we all know the benefits of reading directions when we get something new (which is not to say we do it), it's also important to hold on to those directions for the times stuff breaks down. I know, I know... that's very unusual practice, too. Nowadays, we just trash stuff at the first little sign of trouble. However, more often than not a quick read of the troubleshooting section can quickly solve the problem.

So, I recommend all of you take a minute and read the directions. And with instructions for nearly every product made worldwide since 1900 now available on the internet, there's no excuse not to. Unless you want to avoid being like me, the person who everyone always says can usually fix whatever's broken, and who constantly has people asking, "Can you help me?" I usually say, "Well let me see..."

But deep down, I just want to scream, "READ THE FREAKING DIRECTIONS!!!"