We Can Help

I pondered writing something happy and fun for my 2009 blogging debut, but upon further consideration I decided to revert to something more representative of my true nature... I'm going to gripe instead.

Turn signals. A simple concept really, but one with incredible impact. Think about it. Turn signals -- no matter their color or shape -- are like a crystal ball. They allow drivers in front of and those behind a turning vehicle to see into the future. By gazing into the blinking light in front of you, you can predict with 98% accuracy (I'm estimating, of course) if the car attached to that signal light is going to turn left or right. It's an amazing concept really.

However, like most technological advances of this century and the last, it's effectiveness is dependent upon proper use by a human operator. And, of course, therein lies the problem and the source of my gripe. For as we are all now well aware, this planet we inhabit has become increasingly infiltrated by idiots.

I'll not address the person who doesn't use the turn signal at all or the person who signals for 27 miles on the interstate. Obviously, their fates have already been determined -- the former earning a one-way ticket to hell for their total lack of concern for their fellow man and the latter destined for an eternity of chauffeured limousine service on the highways of heaven (this is confirmed by a recently discovered ancient Biblical translation that adds to Matt. 5:3 ... "and blessed are the clueless, who will be granted a guide in Heaven to keep them from pissing everybody else off").

No, I'd like to talk about the person who is trying to do the right thing, but just hasn't mastered the technique yet. This would be the person who flips on the turn signal approximately five feet before turning. The drivers behind know something is going on because the offending vehicle is slowing. Yet, no matter how much they peer into the crystal ball that is the turn signal, they're unable to predict the future... it's cloudy, the spirits are failing to speak to them. Is there something in the road? Is the car experiencing mechanical problems? Has the driver suffered some sort physical calamity? Then all of a sudden, WHAM! The signal blinks once just inches before the turn. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!

There is hope for these people. They have embraced the concept of communicating with other motorists, but for some reason lack the intricate combination of precise hand-eye coordination required to effectively complete the task. It seems it most certainly must be a neurological disorder -- the eyes fail to communicate with the brain or the brain fails to communicate with the wrist. The synapses in the brain that relay information surely are faulty in some way.

Unfortunately, research indicates that if this condition is left untreated it most always deteriorates into the condition noted above -- the neurological damage becomes so severe the afflicted person ceases to use his or her turn signal at all. And of course, as stated above, the unfortunate soul will earn a one-way ticket to hell.

Miraculously, however, a breakthrough study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that the condition can be reversed. According to the study, the introduction of Horn-based Obnoxious Noise Kinesis (HONK) therapy can generate new nerve growth and restore damaged synapse receptors to a healthy state.

The method by which HONK therapy is administered is surprisingly simple, so much so that it can be applied by any caring and concerned motorist. However, the timing is critical. Just as an afflicted person flips on their signal five feet before the turn, concerned motorists should remove one hand from the steering wheel and apply firm pressure to the horn. The study revealed that three successive and sustained blasts from the horn provide the most benefit.

According to the results of the study, 95% of those receiving HONK therapy showed significant neurological improvement after just three doses. A small percentage of those tested showed no improvement and experienced side effects such as road rage, neurological deterioration resulting in failure to control the middle finger of either or both hands, loss of bladder control, and an erection lasting more than four hours (at which time a physician should be immediately consulted, of course... perhaps a psychiatrist as well).

Based on these results, it seems incumbent on all of us as responsible motorists to do our part to improve the safety on our roads and streets... and to take an interest in the well-being of our fellow man, especially when it requires such a small personal commitment. With this in mind, I urge all of you to take every opportunity to assist fellow motorists by applying HONK therapy when appropriate. Be diligent and vigilant (say THAT three times fast) and together we can build an America of which we can all be proud.